My Letter to Trouble

Dear Trouble,

Thank you for choosing me.  For in choosing me you have given me the gift of strength, faith, and fear that keeps me aware of your presence, whenever, you are near. I awaken one morning, looked into my mirror, and saw my body broken pieces all standing in position, ready to avenge itself. There was never a focus on the days to come, but all of my yesterdays stood on my side loyally waiting to go to war on my behalf. One part of me was loose and free, for all who wanted a piece of me, any part they wanted, they took, leaving me damaged and hurt. There were pieces of my emotions, emotionally exhausted, and self-loathing of the wrongs inflicted onto me. I stood there looking at my own body's emotional pieces. I was unable to stop seeing, all the harm and damage I had been subject to. I begin to cry, when a voice inside me said let it all out; free the pain from its prison inside you. Well, hearing this made me angry, scared, tired, thinking that I would have to spend another day, working to continue existing in a world that never wanted, nor loved me. So I thought!  Years had gone by and the same pattern folded me day after day, year after year! One day trouble came a little too close, and it made me want to craw under a rock and just die from the pain it had inflicted on me. As I continued these types of encounters many years had gone by.  I realized one morning when I met myself in the mirror, like years before. This one particular morning, I said to myself…. Self, you have been through this path many times, how come you have not mastered the art of submission? Continuing to speak to myself, trouble interrupted, talking back at me, saying, you are now a graduate of many deep and heavy pains, the mother of self sabotage, yet you have not yet master the purpose to which troubles visits you. Self said, self all I can tell you, is that as long as you continue seeing trouble through the eyes of your human-self, you will have a negative encounter with trouble until death has meets you at the door.

Looking back at my reflection in the mirror, I said, this shall be the day that I take trouble into my arm and mother it, to draw it closely unto my bossom.  For the years that trouble has visited me, we have become closely bonded, knitted into a weave of oneness. So the next morning I begin to twit and turn in my bed, struggling with my promise to incorporated trouble to my heart!  This became very traumatic for me to mentally  comprehend. I pondered over this idea, the idea that I had to take trouble into my heart and make it part of me. The very evil trouble had done to abused me, was the caused of my self-destruction, pretty much all my life.  Now trouble will become my baby? Okay, so I get out of bed the next morning, moving slowly toward the bathroom mirror, where I dreaded every step that seem the longest steps in time.  I felt like each of my steps were standing still with each foot moved forward in the air. It's seemingly, my foot  was dangling in the air forever! I looked straight into that mirror, seeing all the old residues of my past, where trouble had inflicted great pain on me. I thought it-would be a rough challenge for me, as I preceded toward my goals to embrace my troubles. I paused for one second... and place the symbol of the cross, across my head and chest.  I asked God to meet me half way at troubles door. I ask God to help me get through this whole ordeal.  All I  would  have to do is serve him all the rest of my life. Well, seeing me in the mirror, trouble began to speak in a voice of intimidation to me.  I was looking horrorified in amazement! My mouth wide open, dangling, there, speechless without saying much at all. All of my body's functions seized to maintain control.  I begin to memorize all past visits  when trouble came, all in that one moment in time, it stood quietly still in my mind.  I remembered when trouble haunted, taunted, mutilated, and grieved me. Trouble even sicked all its dogs on me. I took a breath of air, and breathe out all the bad air, in came all the good air. I took one big sye! I closed my eyes, and opened them again, seeing that trouble was still there waiting  for the challenge I promised: that I thought I could produce. Just then fear gripped me forcing me to turn and go back to my bed.  I got under the covers, sucking my thumb, rocking back and forth, trying  to pacify myself in the state that I was in.  Trouble has picked me to taunt!  Makes me want to ask it why me? There was nothing left to do, but die, because the pain of trouble taunting me was, too, great to live with. Eventually, I had fallen asleep never haven't taken trouble into my bosom as planed!

I awakened the next day, as if I was newly born, fully energized from someone, or something, never knowing from whence all the energy came. I said to myself...  This is it!  I either have to follow through, or check out early in this life, never to be confronted by trouble again. Before I took the first step into the bathroom, where I met  with myself in the mirror  many times before, year after years with feelings of safety with all the old patterns I've  lived out throughout all my  other days before, but this time would be different.  I  first kneeled down in prayer at the bathroom door.  I prayed! Tears fail! Instantly I became filled with gratifying emotions. Feeling of gratitude, love, and forgiveness, with Compassion that my zeal fed to me for breakfast that morning. All my enemies were apart of trouble, setting the ground of each negative ordeals, because trouble really had it in for me. I said allowed...  God? You and I are cool… right?  You 'Are' my God... right? You will never leave me to myself…. right?  God said to me… Yes!  As long as you are one with me, I will just be you!  I got up off my knees!  A strength of determination forced me to face my troubles head on. I walk with my head held high  into my bathroom with pride! Trouble had nothing on me this day! I burst through the door with boldness, and said, without giving trouble any room for conversation.  Yelling out to trouble…I said....to trouble with confidence.... IT'S ALL OVER NOW!  Trouble looked at me, as if not to be moved by my intimidation. I said trouble!  No more hurts, but if you do hurt me again, I will just take it! No more self-sabotage either.  I will no longer participate in my own self-destructions with you! We shall learn from one another this day onward.  There will be no more intimidation, no more abuse, no more gossip, no more invading in on my personal space!  It’s over between you, and me! Although we shall be together in this life from this moment on, but it shall never be the same way it was again!  Trouble, it’s all over now! Trouble said well… if it's over, why are we still talking? I said, because I have to let you know where I stand from now on, and you will never be able to say I never told you so.

You have done nothing but make me a stronger person!  A loving person!  A compassionate person! I am closer to God and Him me! God is everything to me!  I owe all my thanks to you, trouble, for choosing me! Yes I am thanking you, because after all that I have learned, you have fought me integrity, tenacity, endurance and you have build stamina in me.  Oh guess what else, trouble? You have pushed me so far that God and I are on a first name basis, too!. Wow! He said... He made me somebody special! He takes good care of all my needs! There is nothing I have wanted since you've been around! Guess what else trouble? I've even learned how to love my enemies… after all the pain you've inflicted upon me.  I even forgive others much faster with ease now, too, and I love much easier now too.  I owe all this to you trouble, because of you, trouble I am a child of God. Thank you for choosing me to pick on, to talk about, to beat up on, to lie on, to reject, to leave lonely, depressed, sad, and traumatized, because now I am even learning to love myself, and treat myself with respect having more dignity for me.  Trouble, you are the reason all my plans have succeeded! You are the cause for all my friends seeing my vulnerabilities and worthy of relationship to make me a desired asset for friendships with great opportunity for brother, sister bonding. Anyway, I got all my good assets from my troubles. My sweet little troubles that thought I would be the one to pick on!  Without you, trouble, where I would be? You have taught me to stand in the mist of adversity, in defeat, in frustration and not be defeated from any of it.  I am a walking ball of strength, all because of the sweet old troubles I've had to endure.  Now that I have stood up against everything you have thrown at me, you can not harm me any longer.  Wow! Without my troubles there would be no growth, no character building, no enduring strength of integrity, so thank you trouble, for all my troubles!  Because of you, trouble, I am a force to be reckoned with, because trouble choose me to bare down on.  Today I stand tall and strong with troubles on my arms,  walking side by side, glowing with pride that i have now embraced trouble as my professor, my mentor, my driving force toward change, and self-reconstruction.  I am a brand new me, and touble have now be won into reason for my learning. Get this last point trouble.... Now that you and I know where we stand, instead of me telling God about you trouble, I will from this moment on start informing you about my God!

Written By: Rosetta Nesbitt

Friday, June 24, 2011 4:53 PM